{"id":3273,"date":"2021-05-26T09:00:00","date_gmt":"2021-05-25T23:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.amt.org.au\/?p=3273"},"modified":"2021-05-26T12:53:41","modified_gmt":"2021-05-26T02:53:41","slug":"when-the-helper-hurts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.amt.org.au\/index.php\/2021\/05\/26\/when-the-helper-hurts\/","title":{"rendered":"When The Helper Hurts"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Tim Clark<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A word of warning that this article discusses depression and suicide. Please use discretion before reading.<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been depressed for at least a couple of months.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s nowhere near the full-blown, paralysing depression I\u2019ve known before but a milder version that leaves me functional but irritable, relentlessly negative and self-loathing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been stressed and I\u2019m all-too-aware that stress triggers these inexplicable feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like many of us, I\u2019ve been swamped with clients since lockdown ended, which is mostly great because this is what I\u2019ve been working towards since deciding to go it alone as a massage therapist and counsellor. And there are times when I feel like I\u2019m in a flow; that the balance is right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But what I\u2019ve been noticing more generally is a disconnection \u2013 an invisible barrier between me and others; between me and my own feelings. There\u2019s a feeling of \u2018stuckness\u2019 or of being \u2018frozen\u2019; a sense of needing to cry but not being able to; of needing to say things that I just can\u2019t. I find myself craving a holiday or an escape, fantasising about sitting in the middle of a field somewhere or on a beach or by a lake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And there are times I think about being nowhere at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My depression has been in my body too: heaviness, stiffness in the joints, fatigue and (surprise, surprise) low back pain. I\u2019m certain there\u2019s a seasonal element to my depression. I await it every year when the cold sets in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s depression all right. I know it by now. I\u2019ve known it for twenty-something years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My depression is an ongoing sadness, the cause of which is at least partly outside my awareness.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know where a lot of my depression comes from because I\u2019ve explored it with professionals. There are wounds from my formative years that are hard to heal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many of you reading this will be struggling with old wounds too or maybe you know people who are struggling with theirs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mine are not particularly remarkable wounds. They\u2019re pretty normal, really. But they are wounds nonetheless and their influence lingers outside my consciousness. They might never fully heal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Imagine you sustained a compound fracture when you were a kid and didn\u2019t think to get it treated until you were an adult. It\u2019s inconceivable, either because you probably wouldn\u2019t have survived that long, or simply because it would never happen. Yet it\u2019s extremely common for our emotional wounds to go unacknowledged and untreated for years, even when we are children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The hard truth is that it\u2019s up to us to take charge and get the necessary help. We have to practise \u2018wound maintenance\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It might be helpful if I explain what that means to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Recognise it.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

As human beings, we are highly skilled at defending against having to deal with our wounds. Modern life offers us all manner of distractions from our deeply felt pain. These distractions often get us through the day, which is great. But of course they don\u2019t address the source of the pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need to tune in to what\u2019s going on. We do this by noticing ourselves or taking on board what other people notice about us.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For me, it was helpful (albeit challenging) for my partner to point out that I had become incapable of being positive about anything. Then I noticed myself doing it: negative<\/em> this, negative<\/em> that. Things were annoying me that ordinarily I would have brushed off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This kick-started the cycle of self-criticism that often manifests in depression: I\u2019m a horrible, negative person. I make other people\u2019s lives a misery, especially my nearest and dearest.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As someone who works in helping professions (massage and counselling), this self-criticism spiralled even further into accusations of hypocrisy: Why do I expect to be able to help other people when I\u2019m still so messed up? Why should anyone take me seriously when I can\u2019t even help myself?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not easy to step out of the cycle and observe it but it\u2019s essential if we\u2019re going to be able to change. I could because I was so familiar with this cycle but it can be much harder if you\u2019re experiencing depression for the first time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Name it.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Writing the opening sentence of this post was a bit of a turning point for me. I finally named what had been unnamed for some time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It can be really hard to see things clearly enough that we can name them but doing so gives us back some power. The stealthy, masked ninja in the shadows suddenly has an identity, and therefore is knowable, understandable and manageable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Manage it.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

How you deal with the wound, once you\u2019ve seen and named it, is going to depend on lots of things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re used to managing your wounds, you\u2019ll already know what helps. It\u2019s a matter of mustering the will to do those things, which can be tough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For me, I admit to my loved ones that I\u2019ve been depressed. They\u2019re used to this and have seen me come through depression before. Telling them helps me feel understood, heard and connected. Knowing they get what\u2019s going on with me gives me strength and a sense of a support network around me. (This may be what gives me the confidence to be able to share here \u2013 along with knowing how kind and supportive the readers of this blog have been in the past.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The benefits of sharing will depend very much on how others respond. It can be hard for people close to us to see our wounds objectively, especially if they played a part in inflicting them or just don\u2019t know how to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When confronted with the news that you\u2019re feeling depressed, the first question they have will often be \u2018Why?\u2019, so it may be helpful to explain up-front that depression, by its nature, is at least partly inexplicable. Not everyone gets that and, if they do, they don\u2019t always remember it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whether or not we decide to share our experience with our loved ones, we should definitely share it with a professional. If it\u2019s our first experience of depression, or if our management strategies have stopped working, we need to get to a GP. Ideally, someone who takes a bit of time to get a sense of what\u2019s really going on for us before making recommendations about medication or further professional help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This help might come in the form of a patient counsellor, psychotherapist or psychologist, with whom we can safely approach the things that have felt unapproachable and come to a better understanding of ourselves. (There isn\u2019t space here for me to get into the pros and cons of different types of professionals, of medications or of Mental Health Treatment Plans, except to say that there are<\/em> pros and cons.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve had numerous helpers over the years. The one I credit with getting me through my darkest period was the one who, perhaps counterintuitively, did the least to try to \u2018fix\u2019 me and instead gave me the space to explore whatever it was that came up, as ready to be surprised by it as I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t always like him for it, and often left sessions feeling stirred up and more confused than when I arrived. It was hard, confronting and painful work that took years \u2013 as you\u2019d expect when trying to treat a long-neglected compound fracture. But I reap the benefits of that work every day now, nearly twenty years later. And it underpins my faith in the value of psychotherapy (and, to an extent, massage therapy) to help people to manage their wounds by offering authentic care and connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Manage yourself.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

As good massage therapists, we know that good treatment involves not only managing \u2018the problem\u2019 but helping our clients help themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I love the idea of applying, for example, Moseley and Butler\u2019s ideas about chronic pain management to emotional \u2018wound management\u2019: we need to manage the context in which our pain occurs. The perspective through which we view our pain will determine its impact, so let\u2019s manage the things that determine that perspective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Very often we know what we should be doing to manage ourselves through a depression but actually doing those things can be a different story. We know we should be eating well but that vanilla slice in front of us feels like self-care today. We know we should be exercising but staying in bed just feels so right. We know we should probably take a day off but cancelling appointments feels like failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The trick is not to let those \u2018shoulds\u2019 feed into the cycle of self-criticism. Take a long-term view. Having the vanilla slice does not mean you\u2019re incapable of genuine self-care. Staying in bed doesn\u2019t make you a bad person. It just means it\u2019s the best you can manage today<\/em>. And maybe it\u2019s the best you can manage tomorrow too. And maybe there\u2019s something simple you can start with today. Maybe giving yourself five minutes in the sun is manageable or a short walk or (my personal favourite) getting a massage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you are truly managing your wounds (see Step 3 above), a day will come when you can do the harder things differently. In fact, you will want<\/em> to do them differently. Because those negative things you\u2019ve been feeling about yourself will have softened, so it will feel more natural to be genuinely caring to yourself. You\u2019ll understand where your wounds come from and can put responsibility for them in the rightful places.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Expect imperfection.<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Even if we do all the so-called right things in managing our depression, it can come back unannounced at any time, which can be really frustrating. It feels like a backwards step.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Often, as is the case with physical wounds, adaptations need to be made. Bones, muscles, nerves, hearts, minds and souls can\u2019t necessarily go back to the way they were.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The act of living is tough. No one gets a free pass. So, we take from our challenges what we can. My experience with depression unquestionably informs the way I work with people. When people come to me feeling depressed, empathy is quite effortless.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are whole books about the \u2018gifts of depression\u2019. (I know because a helper once tried to get me to read one after our first session. It was too soon.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know I\u2019ve drawn a lot of strength from this experience and shown myself the strength I\u2019m capable of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More importantly, I\u2019ve learned how rewarding it can be to let people into my pain. To share it and not feel like a whinger. To be accepted unconditionally. And to show a bit of that acceptance to myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now that\u2019s<\/em> a gift.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

About the Author<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Tim Clark is a Melbourne based counsellor, psychotherapist and massage therapist who, if not for an unfortunate name clash, would have been an internationally renowned ukulele player called Tiny Tim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If anything in Tim\u2019s article has raised issues for you or you know someone who may be struggling with depression, help is available. Please check the resources here:<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a>
(via HealthDirect)<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Cover image: giografiche<\/a> from Pixabay<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What happens when a career helper needs help with their mental health? Tim Clark shares his experience. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3282,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[24,781,104,47,10,21,125,217],"class_list":["post-3273","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-amt","tag-depression","tag-emotional-wound-management","tag-massage","tag-massage-therapist","tag-massage-therapy","tag-mental-health","tag-self-care","tag-tim-clark"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/blog.amt.org.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/sky-414199_640.jpg?fit=640%2C426&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1293,"url":"https:\/\/blog.amt.org.au\/index.php\/2018\/12\/19\/the-best-of-2018\/","url_meta":{"origin":3273,"position":0},"title":"The Best of 2018","author":"admin","date":"19\/12\/2018","format":false,"excerpt":"As the sun sets on 2018, we take a look back at some of the most read articles from AMT's blog over the last 12 months. 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